THE ILLUMINATI

The history of the world is the history of competing forces, or so dialectical materialism assures us - and who are we to argue with such a neat sounding philosophy? Discordians recognize these two forces as the Eristic, those who accept chaos and absurdity, and the Aneristic, those who try to impose order and seriousness on the world. The greatest proponants of the Aneristic theory have been the Illuminati, who have existed for all time, and were also formed in 1776 as the Bavarian Illuminated Adepts. They're behind all of the major conspiracies in history. The Kennedy Assassination, Area 51, the Hashishim, the Spanish Inquisition, the Destruction of Atlantis, Communism, Capitalism, and the recent rash of Boy Bands that have glutted the pop market. Ever noticed the All-Seeing Eye on our currency? That's Illuminati! And the bar-code on your copy of Big Jugs Monthly? Yup, them too. And when your sock disappears in the dryer? Actually, that's a fnord, but the Illuminati made the dryer - so there! See, they're trying to enforce their twisted notion of law and order and normalcy on the world. Why? I'm not sure, actually. But I know that it's really complicated, probably has to do with business suits, anal probes, and Starbucks coffee, and that we really, really, really don't want them to win - so it's everyone's duty to try and stop them, to turn the tide and unleash small pockets of chaos wherever you can. Laugh. Do the unexpected. Be silly. This really pisses the Greyfaces off.

Ewige blumenkraft und ewige schlangekraft!!
Ever wondered why there are five sides on the Great Pyramid (counting the bottom)? Or exactly who killed Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy? How about why the Supreme Court made Bush President when he pretty obviously wasn't? Or why all research into the speech of dolphins has been silently squashed? Or maybe why the same symbol of the dollar bill is the stylized logo of America Online? Or maybe you're wondering who always takes all the good parking spaces. If you've ever wondered any of these, or virtually anything else, the answer is the same: the sinister influence of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, more commonly called the Bavarian Illuminati. The Illuminati are, as their own flyers proclaim, "the world's oldest and most successful conspiracy". They control the Catholic Church, the Federal Reserve, the Russian Mafia, the Libertarian Party of America, Communist Cuba, Amnesty International, and the John Birch Society, among others. Anyone you don't like is probably a high-ranking Illuminatus, and any totally inexplicable disaster or act of stupidity is likely their fault. Although their purpose is rather secret, it is assumed that they want Order: they are the champions of bureacracy, strait-jacket philosophy, and anerism everywhere. Which explains why things are so messed up. Honestly, if you've been reading the news, can you honestly believe that there's no secret evil conspiracy out to cause things to go wrong?

Although the history of the Illuminati is rather sketchy, certain details are agreed upon by all. They may or may not have been founded in ancient Atlantis, and are as likely as not to have supervised the construction of the Great Pyramid of Egypt. Hassan i-Sabbah of the Assassins likely had a high-rank in their organization. The most important Illuminatus of modern times was Adam Weishaupt, a Primus Illuminatus who rebuilt the Order from the ground up and officially rededicated it in 1776. After running into a few technical difficulties in Bavaria, he moved to America, where he masqueraded as George Washington with astounding success, even managing to be made the first President. Ever since his death, the United States has been a center for Illuminati operations, particularly small towns in Texas (not that we're implying anything!)

The Illuminati are actually rather easy to find, once you know what to look for. Their most obvious symbol is the Pyramid of the Eye (pictured above), which can be seen in a certain very prominent place. The ourobouros (a snake eating its tail) is associated with them as well. Other good signs of Illuminatus activity are the numbers 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, and 23 (especially 23), the letter "W", or the phrase "Property of the Bavarian Illuminati! Ewige Blumenkraft!" This last phrase is their official slogan, and should be avoided whenever seen. For more information, check out our Special Offers section, where we have an Illuminati Spotting Guide.

Chaos is the sum of all order

Seeing Eris
How can the divine Eris be seen? In beautiful forms, breathtaking wonders, awe- inspiring miracles? Eris is not obliged to present itself this way. She is always present and always available. When speech is exhausted and mind dissolved, She presents herself. When clarity and purity are cultivated, it reveals herself. When sincerity is unconditional, it unveils herself. If you are willing to be lived by her, you will see her everywhere, even in the most ordinary things.

Half Empty or Half Full?

The study of Chaos often leads to what we call eureka moments. "Eureka" is an expression of triumph upon discovering a startling truth. Archimedes, one of the greatest intellects of antiquity, used this expression (literally "I have found it!") when he figured out how to determine the purity of gold objects.

We get closer to this eureka moment when the study of Chaos changes us and gives us a new way to examine the world. This transformed perspective lets us take something ordinary and familiar, and suddenly see in it all sorts of interesting new insights.

For example, let's take a glass and fill it with water to the halfway point. We then ask the customary, time-honored question, "Is the glass half empty or half full?"

Haven't we all seen this a zillion times? What new insights can we possibly squeeze out of this tired old platitude?

As we all know, the glass serves as a metaphor for life, and water represents the good things in it. So, seeing the glass as half empty means you're a pessimist, because you dwell on the lack in your life. Seeing it as half full means you're optimistic, because you focus on the good things in life. Most people choose the latter and describe themselves as optimists. In all likelihood, this means you, too.

Notice an interesting social phenomenon here. Most people want to be seen as optimists, even those who are usually morose and glum. Aren't we just a planet full of upbeat, sunny cheerleaders? How interesting! Why do we have such a social pressure to be relentlessly optimistic?

Let's look at it from a completely different angle and turn this paradigm upside down. Is it always a negative thing to see the glass as half empty? Suppose such a perception motivates you to fill the glass - so to speak - whereas seeing it as half full leads to complacency. Focusing on the lack in one's life can then be a driving force for success. Not so negative now, is it?

Look at the overachievers who accomplish great things in any field. They probably started out life with the idea that there wasn't enough water in their glass to suit them, so they worked to fill it up. On the other hand, at the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the underachievers who dawdle away their lives in torpid passivity. Perhaps they do so because their focus is on what they already possess, rather than the areas of life that can use some improvement.

Another similar idea is to recognize the inherent usefulness of emptiness. In chapter 11 of Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu makes the point that the emptiness of a cup gives it utility and function. The lower part of the glass that is already filled with water cannot accept another drop, and if we remind ourselves that this represents life, we quickly see that the empty portion is where all the action can take place.

The Taoist/Chaoist concept of emptiness is not a vacuous state of nothingness; rather, it is a pregnant void bursting with potentialities. Now we can see how this makes perfect sense. The blank pages in the book of your life are where the continuing tale of your adventures will be written. These empty pages are the place where unlimited possibilities exist. It's where the excitement and the joie de vivre reside.

The emptiness is the part that can hold more water (good things). It is what makes the glass (life) useful and functional. So why wouldn't we want to focus on it? When you think of it this way, doesn't it seem a little odd that most people choose to see the glass as half full instead of half empty?

See what's going on here? Even though most of us have heard about the glass half filled with water many, many times, in all likelihood it has never occurred to us that we can switch the positive and negative perceptions around so easily. Evidently there's more to the glass than meets the eyes.

We also need to examine the unspoken assumptions and see how valid they really are. For instance, we start out with the unwritten, assumed rule that we have two choices, half full or half empty, and we must choose one of them. But must we really? Does it really have to be one or the other? Why can it not be both, or neither?

Indeed, a glass with water at the halfway point can be seen as both half empty and half full. Sometimes it is useful to think of it one way; other times it's better to see it the other way. This is a completely accurate description of reality, and probably a much better way to conceptualize it than to arbitrarily force it into one category or another. By recognizing that the glass can embody both descriptions simultaneously, we begin to deal with it from a holistic mindset, taking into account every aspect of the object.

In this mindset, we can see that asking about the glass being half full or half empty is just like asking about the nature of light. Is light composed of particles or waves? Well, the true answer is that light embodies properties of both particles and waves. Sometimes it is useful to think of it one way; other times it's better to see it the other way. This is a completely accurate description of reality, and probably a much better way to conceptualize it than to arbitrarily force it into one category or another.

Now let's look at the flip side. How can we say that the glass is neither half full nor half empty? First, we note that both descriptions can only be perfectly accurate in theory, and never in reality. When you pour water into the glass, no matter how careful you are and what precision tools you use, you will never hit the exact halfway mark. If you are very lucky, you can get to the point where you're only a few molecules off, over or under. Thus, the glass is never truly half full or half empty. Its state can only be described approximately.

The second factor is the Chaoist concept of constant change. Nothing remains static. Nothing. As soon as any water gets into the glass, evaporation begins. At any given moment, the glass is releasing water molecules into the air. In fact, if we wait long enough, the glass won't just be half empty - it will be empty, period!

For some of us, the water goes away even more quickly, because we have imperfect glasses with hairline fractures, where water seeps out at an alarming rate. This means the good things in our lives never seem to last. You manage to get a great job, only to be downsized; you buy a new car, only to discover it's a lemon; and so on.

In the face of this dynamism, where the only question is how quickly water goes away, we need to take action. If we remain inactive, then it's a certainty that the good things in life will soon disappear, never to return. What we want is a constant stream of incoming water to replenish the water lost to evaporation and possible leakage.

Let's explore a little further. What does the glass look like from a Zenarchist perspective?

Zen Discordianism recognizes the illusory nature of reality and the ultimate emptiness of the material world. Thus, when confronted with the choice of half empty or half full, the Zen Discordianismt may answer "neither," because the water doesn't really exist, nor does the glass.

This may seem far out, but in at least two respects the Zenachist practitioner is right. First, both the glass and water are transient. We have already noted that the water will eventually be gone, either when the glass breaks (the end of your life) or before. The glass may last somewhat longer than the water, but we know it will eventually be shattered into pieces and no longer exist as a container. Like the ephemeral flame of a candle, life flickers into existence for a while, and then gets snuffed out without much fanfare. In truth, it can claim no more permanent reality than the candle flame.

The second factor affirming the Zenarchist perspective is our understanding of the most fundamental level of reality, as revealed through quantum physics. At the sub-atomic level, we see that what we think of as solid matter is mostly empty space. The solidity of matter that we perceive is merely the macroscopic manifestation of energy and information patterns. In this perspective, the water is indeed illusory, and so is the glass.

Now that we have sampled the Zenachist perspective, we will naturally want to explore the Chaoist perspective as well. This is an interesting challenge in view of everything we have talked about so far. We seem to have left no stone unturned in discussing all the different ways we can approach the glass. What other insight can the Sacred Chaos provide us that hasn't already been said? How can a true Discordian sage answer the question in a way that transcends all other answers on the subject?

The sage does not answer. Instead, he takes the glass, drinks from it, and relishes the thirst-quenching and refreshing water. He puts the glass back down and remains quiet, perhaps with a smile on his face, as others scramble to revise their estimation from half full to quarter full, or half empty to three-quarters empty.

The sage knows that the essence of life is to be lived, not debated. The glass and water serve one purpose admirably well, and that is to slake thirst. Trying to decide if it is half full or half empty does absolutely nothing to further that purpose. If anything, it gets in the way and delays the ultimate objective of drinking fully and deeply.

Eris is beyond mere words. Discussing the glass can never replace the experience of drinking from it; describing the various perspectives will never get you closer to the actual act of savoring the water. Thus, the sage wastes no effort on intellectualization; he cuts to the chase.

Eureka!

ERIS SETS US FREE

"I have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My consciousness left man, that he might develop himself. I return to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by fear and by misunderstanding.
You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and clad in them, your vision is restricted, your movements are clumsy and painful, your skin is bruised, and your spirit is broiled in the sun.

I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists build rhythms. I am the spirit with which your children and clowns laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and I tell you that you are free."

Those words above,spoken to Malcalypse the Younger and Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, by the Goddess of Chaos and All Other Things,ERIS KALLISTI DISCORDIA,are just as true in the 21st Century as it was true throughout mankinds history. The greatest gift that ERIS gave mankind was our freedom.It is the will Goddess that we live our lives the way we want to.With no promise of eternal salvation ,and no threat of eternal damnation.

We,The Children Of Eris,are the True Chosen People,for we have freedom to choose how we live our lives.We are free to worship Eris(or not).
We are free to call Eris by any name we choose(or not).
We are free to see Eris anyway we choose(or not).

There are no laws

Hail Eris

If you really want to make Eris laugh,make plans

Fnord,fnord,fnord,fnord,fnord,fnord,fnord,
fnord,fnord,fnord,fnord, fnord,
fnord,fnord,snarf,fnord,fnord,fnord,fnord,
fnord,fnord,fnord ,fnord

Discordian Ritual of Exorcism

-x- do not publish after the end of times -x- Confidential were required All Rites Reversed (k)

Preparation:

This ritual should take place on a Discordian Temple, adequately prepared, with seats to the five directions, and a Golden Apple hanging on the middle of it (1 ton. Pure gold, please). Thou should set to burn some Channel #5 to properly incense the atmosphere.
If it is not possible to provide these things, than proceed on your living room. Try to turn of the teevee.
There will be need one Keeper of the Sacred Chao, to properly conduct the ritual, and four other priests/popes to represent, along with the K.S.C., the whole of the law of fives.

Ritual:

Say "Hail Eris"
Take the victim of possession to the center of the temple/living room. Put it (for, at this stage it's a cabbage, not an human, and so "it") on its knees. Go to the innermost part of the temple (pick any of the 5 vertices at random to work as innermost part), turn yourself (if you are the acting K.S.C.) with your back towards the victim and claim (meanwhile, the four priests should stay at the other vertices)
"Oh Goddess, thou who hadst maist all off us to be happy, and chaotic, or at most, balanced by the sacred chao. Look at this pitifull creature who cannot see the truths, falsitys, and meaninglessness of life, and is therefore worried or sd. Concede us now the power, fnord and unauthority to expell from him these bad things from its wicked being." Wait a couple minutes . One of the assistants should play "Obladi Oblada" at this time, and another should get the lights flicking.
Say, still with your back facing the victim:
"Thanx Goddess", turn and face the possessed. Extend both your hands toward him, forming the ancient "V"sign of the numeral five (therefore 5, 5), or depending on your discordian sect, show two fingers of the left hand, and three of the right, representing the holy 23.
Say "with the powers taken from me by goddess Eris, and in the name of the sacred Chao, I herewith take off you the spirit of greyface. May you rejoice now."
Ask the victim if she (for now she should be human) feels happy and chaotically filled.
If she says yes, than stop the ritual. It worked. Present her the fee for your clerical services, and move on to some beer.
If she says "no", untie the 1 Ton Golden Apple, letting it fall on the victim's head. The possessor spirits are now gone as well.

NON SERVIAM

Describing Discordianism

Many attempts have been made to describe Discordianism. Many attempts have failed.
Discordianism is a philosophy. Some have described it as "like Taoism, but funnier." Some people think that Discordians take serious things humorously. That is not quite true; rather, we take humorous things seriously.
Discordianism has a lot to do with Order and Disorder(which is what Chaos uses to manifest itself onto the material plane. The two are considered equals, more or less. Discordianism isn't about anarchy, the downfall of government, and breaking stuff, per se. It's about creativity, and that takes both Order and Disorder. To quote the Principia Discordia (most wholely holy of texts; the Better Book), "To choose order over disorder, or disorder over order, is to accept a trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept creative disorder along with, and equal to, creative order, and also be willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to destructive disorder." One camp of Discordians believes there is enough order in the world as it is, and so dedicate themselves to being founts of chaos, thus evening up the overall balance. Another camp takes things more personally, and so looks to strike a balance between order and disorder within the individual. They're both right.