A TESTIMONIAL

"You know, I used to be a total loser.I couldn't keep a job.Girls wouldn't date me.Small children and animals would run away from me.I just couldn't do anything right.But then I let ERIS into my life,and now my whole world has changed.I'm a lot more confident and zit-free.I am now the CEO of a Fortune 500 company.I'm also dating a number of beautiful horney porn stars.My whites come out whiter,and my teeth are brighter.And so far I've swam the English Channel,won the Boston Marathon,piloted the Space Shuttle,and found a cure for cancer,Thank you ERIS,your the shit!

Because

the media ignore us and the state harasses us
because if we talk about our beliefs we're dreamers but if we act them out we're criminals
because the right calls us communists and the left calls us bourgeois
because we will not be seduced by creed or ideology
because we reject the glitzy amorality of consumerism and the gray conformity of statism
because liberal democracy is the tyranny of the majority and the dictatorship of the proletariat is still dictatorship
because the capitalist countries are mired in greed and the socialist countries are stranded in the past and the poor countries are convulsed with famine and war
because all countries are obsessed with the state
because soon only the rich will be able to live in the cities
because men oppress women and the rich oppress the poor and the whites oppress the blacks and the strong oppress the weak and we all oppress the earth
because living creatures are born free and are everywhere in chains
for these and many other reasons we are...

narchists

it's far to late for anything but magick as the future is clearly up for grabs

IF GUNS ARE OUTLAWED,ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE GUNS
IF NUKES ARE OUTLAWED,ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE NUKES
IF LAWS ARE OUTLAWED,ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE LAWS
IF MARRIAGE IS OUTLAWED,ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE INLAWS

Discordian Eristocracy

What would a major world religion be without a ponderous hierarchy of pretentious titles to confuse, awe and madden the people with? Reasonable, that's what. And we won't stand for that kind of non-nonsense around here. Therefore, The Church of Pentaversal Discord (a phrase just coined, but applied retroactively so that it predates time) has put together a suitably ridiculous Chutes and Ladders-type hierarchy of Who May Do What to Whom. (There are those who would suggest that this has already been done adequately in the POEE Disorganizational Matrix, but as a member of a progressive belaboring union, I am unlawfully bound to suggest that such people get outta my face before I call for a walk-all-over and a picketing [which, in this context, very much resembles a staking {vampire-style}.])
At the bottom in this house of cards are, of course, the popes. It should be noted that every man, woman, child and platypus, living, dead or otherwise, is an honest-to-Goddess pope of Discordia, and thus infallible (you should go get your Pope Card).
You may think that this causes all sorts of trouble when popes disagree (and you'd be right; you're a pope, after all), but you'd be wrong (I'm a pope too, you see). Actually, when popes disagree, it's a Wonderful Thingˇ because thereby is the Divine Humour of Eris brought to full fruition. By believing every sort of contradictory thing (individually and as a group), popes make these things True and Manifest (as opposed to True and Unmanifest), and thus bear forth the Great Joke. Consider this quote from the Holey Scripture, the Principia Discordia:
Malaclypse the Younger: Everything is true.
Greater Poop: Even false things?
Mal2: Even false things are true.
Greater Poop: How can that be?
Mal2: I don't know, man, I didn't do it.
Next up on the totem pole are the POEE (Paratheo-anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric [pronounced poee''] chaplains, who have been ordained by reading Sacred Text (like this, for instance. Congratulations). Still higher than them are the POEE priests, ordained by Mal2 himself.
The pinnacles (for pointy like unto a picket fence is the structure of the Church of Pentaversal Discord'') of Discordianism are the Episkopossum (whose titles are, after all, capitalized). They are the ones whose visions of Eris transcend what Is, forcing them to create something which Is Not but Will Be If You Just Relax and Wait for a Second (jeez, you're pushy). They create their own Cabals (from the Hebrew Kaballah,'' or collection of absurdities for the unenlightened to take seriously''), often with nifty names.
Of course, since you're a pope, you can decide that you, personally, are at the head of the Pentaversal Church and that chaplains are much more enlightened than priests (since they've gone to all the trouble of reading Sacred Text and ordaining themselves, while priests were ordained by someone else), and therefore all of this is a steaming heap of dung (even though it's True), and you'd be right (but mistaken).
Hail Eris.

Divine Chaos is Everywhere

The Divine Chaos doesn't come and go. It is always present everywhere, just like the sky. If your mind is clouded, you won't see it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. All misery is created by the activity of the mind. Can you let go of words and ideas, attitudes and expectations? If so, then the Tao will loom into view. Can you be still and look inside? If so, then you will see that the truth is always available, always responsive.

The Book of Secrets

by Prostheticus
Let me open by saying that this section is my own personal Discordian Revelations, as shown to me by the Goddess Eris and her minion onions over the past few years or so. The opinions expressed on this page are not those held by you, your friends or relatives, but they might be close.
Erisian secrets are luckily not secrets at all. We don't have handshakes or signals we don't tell anyone. We don't ask anyone to accept anyone as their savior, and we don't ask anyone to give up anything except, perhaps, the Curse of Greyface.
I have seen so many people on this planet blatantly disregard their right to be thinking, feeling machines that it would make a rabbit scream. I have seen so many carbon units believe that the world is full of constraints, and follow these invisible, intangible constraints. There are no laws anywhere! The Goddess prevails!
Discordianism isn't about being so weird that no one can stand to be around you. It's not about being destructive and "chaotic." It is simply about being human and observing the right to be free. If free will takes you throught the standards set by the people who think they can set standards, then so be it.
The idea that wrecking things is free will is perhaps the most unfathomable idea. Order and Disorder are both imaginary desriptions set upon that which is chaos. Chaos is the blenderbus of reality. It is made of cows, bricks and vacuum cleaners. One person's order is another's disorder. In truth, they are both illusions. "Reality is the original Rorshach," a blob of things which each person interprets for his, her or it self. While it is a simple thing to determine our choices, it is both difficult and wrong to force another into a certain choice, unless that person asks to be forced into a different choice, which is another case entirely.
The man that realizes he spouts nothing but bullshit is the wise man. Bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful. The world wouldn't be much of anything if we kept everything to ourself, so express yourself. Some people might even like that.
Eris doesn't want your soul. She only wants to talk to you. And the only way you can do that is to open your pineal gland to her. So, right now, grasp the back of your skull, close your eyes and say, loudly, "Eris, I want you to talk to me too. I'll listen, even if I don't take every single suggestion. I want to be a Discordian. I want my right to free will back. I know that I can give that right to myself, and that no one else can grant it, and no one can take it away. So there. Fuck the bozos."

by Charles F. Werner, aka Prostheticus

TEMPLE PROCEDURES: RITUAL CLEANSING OF WORSHIP AREA

What follows is an emergency procedure for the cleansing of any area of worship, for use when the Lysol has run out and the primal chaos isn't providing loose change. It may be performed by any two Popes and a Dupe. The Dupe should be given a silly hat, but shouldn't be allowed to keep it afterward.

The First Pope (Addressing the Dupe): Know ye now that you are standing on holy ground, a center of Discord and a warm home for Chaos?
The Dupe: (Answers as he pleases)

The Second Pope Hits the Dupe Across His Silly Hat
The First Pope (Indicating the Unclean Nature of the Place: Know ye now that this place is not clean, and the Goddess is not properly honored?
The Dupe: (Answers as he pleases)
The Second Pope Hits the Dupe Across His Silly Hat
The First Pope (Smiling Broadly): Are you offended by this mess?
The Second Pope (Interrupting): I'm not! It's good enough for a Pope, and if the Goddess doesn't like it, she can sleep on the couch!
The Second Pope then looks to the Dupe for a response.
The Dupe: (Responds as he pleases)
The First Pope: The Wicked Queen, when jealous of Snow White, also sent an apple.
The First Pope Hits the Dupe Across His Silly Hat
The Hat is then removed from the Dupe, who is thanked for his assistance
The entire proceedings demonstrate the Illusion of Organized Free Will; the Dupe is always free'' to respond as he pleases, but his response has no effect on the outcome, and always brings punishment. If the Dupe elects NOT to respond, you've found a new inductee. If the Dupe is of your preferred sex for mating with, ask the Dupe for a date.
Lysol, on the whole, works better. But even Lysol needs a day off.

THE PLAYGROUND

A Parable About Life and Death
...I awoke to find myself walking hand-in-hand with the Mother-of-Us-All toward a beautiful Playground,a playground that seemed to stretch to infinity.She brought me to the gate,gave me a big hug and a kiss,and said unto me,"This is your playground,do as thou wilt,and have a good time."I nervously walked through the gates,and was amazed at all the sights and sounds.There were monkey bars,slides,toys,sprinklers,and all types of fun goodies,as far as the eyes can see.There were also many,many children of all different shapes and sizes playing through out the Playground.

I explored my surroundings for a while,and made a few friends.All around me children were playing and doing many things(as children are want to to). Some children played by themselves,and some played with many kids.Some only had one or two playmates,and some had none.There were even a few who didn't want to play at all,and said that playing was bad.Sometime some of the kids would steal the toys from the other kids,and others would hog all the toys around them.Some even shared their toys with others.

All around me,children were running and jumping,laughing and singing, loving and fighting.Some kids would stay in the playground for a while, and some had to leave as soon as they got there.Sometimes fights would break out amongst the children,often for silly reasons.Some children had too many toys to play with,and some had none.Some of the kids would section off a part of a playground, and wouldn't let any one else play there.Bullies would roam the park picking on the weaker kids.Many games were play in the playgound.Some of the games were:cops and robbers,war,hospital,convert the heathens,feed the poor,get a good job,etc.

I noticed a bunch of kids in the middle of a heated discussion, so I decided to see what was going on.I discovered that the children were discussing the nature of the playground.Some children said that this is the only playground there is,while others said there are an infinite amount of playgrounds.Some argued that this section of the playgrond was the only section to have children playing,and others say that there are many sections with many children in it.Some say that when you leave the playground you never come back,and some say that you come back over and over again. I didn't get involve in that discussion,because I knew better.

In another discussion pool,the kids were talking about the Mother-of-Us-All. Some said she didn't exist,some said she did.A few of the kids believed that there was no Mother-of-Us-All,only the Father existed.Some believed that there were many Mothers and Fathers.And some of us believed that She is All-in-One,and One-in-All.There were kids who said that if you do not play the way they said that Mother/Father wants you to play,you will go to a very,very BAD place when you leave the playground. I found a few who truly loved the Mother,and said to them,"hey guys,lets just play".

Every once in a while Mother would call out the name of a child and tell them it was time to go home.Some children would scream and cry and throw temper tantrums,but to no avail.When Mom said it was time to go,it was time to go.I decided to really enjoy my stay in the playground.I played with many kids,had many adventures,had run-ins with bullies,scraped my knees a few times,and generally had the time of my life.After a while,I grew very tired and sleepy,and I knew it was soon time for Mother to call my name.I put my toys away,and called all my playmates together for one last game of tag.When the game ended,I head Mother call my name.I bid my playmates farewell,and told them not to cry,we will all play together again someday.I ran out off the park and into Mothers waiting arms.I placed my head on her bosom and said ."Thank you Mom,I had a great time in the Playground".She just smiled at me gave me a kiss on the forehead,and I fell asleep in her arms.

I awoke to find myself walking hand-in-hand with the Mother-of-Us-All toward a beautiful Playground,a playground that seemed to stretch to infinity....

NEXT CHAPTER

...And the Discordian Society's Life-time Achievement Award goes to.....The Bavarian Illuminati,for giving all us Erisians something to bitch about for all these years.

The problem with some Wiccans is that they prefer to dance naked around a tree as the forest burns around them.